A Walk In The Park, Spoiled.
The sun shone down on the small park in the center of town. Birds sang, men and women ran around with their pets, throwing frisbees, children laughed and skipped and played.
Down the paved sidewalk Henry strolled, his hands in the pockets of windbreaker. Whistling. He was an unassuming man, plain, short, somewhat dumpy, but he was in good spirits.
"Today will be a great day!" He exclaimed to no one, bringing several odd stares in his direction that he ignored as he continued walking.
Then, something caught his eye. It was a friendly ghost of a turtle! His imaginary friend, Yampo was happily waving at his, with a taser in hand sparking left and right. One spark landed on Henry's nose. It tickled!
"Oh Yampo, you cad! Where have you been lately, I haven't seen you in ages." But no one responded. Henry was growing older by the minute. He was finally hitting puberty, and his childhood was immediately put to an end!
The sensation was odd, to say the least, as Henry was a man of thirty years and up until this point had looked no older than ten or eleven. His clothing burst at the seams as an amazing growth spurt wracked his body, boyish limbs extending into awkward, gangly angles. Uncomfortable with the size of his shirt, he took it off and he was ripped. It felt good to be a gangster.
By this point a small crowd had gathered around Henry, pointing in shock or horror at the spectacle. The boy--turned-man, standing in the park, clothing shredded, shouting for a Yampo who was not there. Someone had to do something.
Just then, Arnold Schwarzenegger hovered over the crowd and extended a lifeline to Henry. "GET IN THE CHOPPA!" he commanded. Henry sprinted toward the chopper, closely followed by a suddenly Arnold crazed crowd. He feared for his life as they began to gain on him, ripping and clawing at his back; stepping on his heels. He tripped, and was quickly smothered by the mob.
With one last surge of strength Henry pushed through the mass and wrapped his fingers around the lifeline. Arnold slammed on the throttle and with a surge Henry was pulled into the air, dangling precariously over the rapidly receding park.
A retired governor, Arnold knew he had no obligation to public service any longer--he just loved fucking with people, and all the trust they gave him. Acting upon his love for chaos, Arnold cut the lifeline, sending Henry down to a municipal dump. With a low cry, Henry fell into the filth, his body cracking at the impact. The air rushed from him, sending him into darkness.
Hours later, Henry finally opened his eyes and attempted to pull himself to his feet. When he tried to move, however, he found himself unable. Looking around, he realized he was bound to some sort of makeshift garbage altar surrounded by torches. Yampo's revenge has arrived. The ghost of his beloved turtle Yampo appeared before him. He cackled softly, and stood up on his hind legs. From the darkness behind him came a roar.
"Yampo, friend, please forgive me, I had to grow up!" Henry exclaimed.
"Be quiet! The garbage wights... They come for you and I will finally have satisfaction!" Words hauntingly oozed from the turtle's mouth and floated down to Henry's ears and into his brain.
Howls seemed to come from all directions, closer and closer as Yampo cackled.
"The wights! The garbage wights! Born from the cast offs of society! They feed on the fresh and the new, just like you, my post-pubescent friend." Secretly, Yampo was jealous. He, too, wished to be ripped. But alas, he had been born a turtle. All through his life, from his great escape out of the egg, to living in Henry's room, Yampo always wanted to be human.
Yampo receded into the darkness of the trash heap as strange, trashy creatures clawed their way towards the torchlight. Henry struggled to free himself and wondered why these things were happening to him. He was just a boy, a thirty-year old man-boy. Suddenly...
"GET IN THE CHOPPA!!!" Arnold taunted. "I won't be fooled again, you... you... bully!" Henry screamed, tears streaming from his eyes. He turned and began to climb up a garbage tower. But found he was unable to gain any altitude as he was still tied down. He cursed his foolishness as he had cursed Arnold, now but a speck in the moonlit sky.
A black claw curled around the edge of the altar, connected to a black limb, connected to a black body. It was Chris Rock. A large purple dragon dragged the altar along the mountains of decay, for the large metal pentagram was too heavy for it to lift any higher. Chris Rock's lifeless body swayed.
"Hey Chris Rock, you're not funny" Henry said.
Chris was of the undead. His career, discarded. He clung to the altar as it was pulled through the dump, trying desperately to wrap his claws around Henry and sink his teeth into his delicious flesh. Yampo had other plans. The turtle Chuck Norris-Style Round-House kicked Henry across the face, knocking him completely unconscious and out of Chris Rock's rotting, but surprisingly strong grip.
Guns blazing, Duke Nukem appeared from the rubble.
"Eat shit and die, Yampo."
Bullets tore through the turtle's body, sending bits of turtle meat and shards of shells flying in all directions.
Duke spit out his bubble gum. Arnold's lifeline went down to Yampo "GET IN THE CHOPPA!" This turtle would survive to live another day.
Duke snarled at the sight of his bounty getting away, and turned to leave. He noticed Henry's ripped and unconscious body. Duke was ripped.
Duke knew that this poor man-child did not know how to fully utilize his latent and ripped power. With a swing of his knife he cut Henry free and hoisted the boy-man over his shoulder.
"Kid-dude, I will teach you what it truly means to be ripped."
So they hit the local stripclub, no showers or anything. Reeking of sweat and garbage, Duke, and the still limp Henry, strutted into the Local Stripclub. Topless women smiled seductively at Duke. Henry felt urges he never had before. "Hey baby, haven't seen you in here a while." One stripper cooed at Duke. But he had no time for sexy fun, he was on a mission. A mission of manliness.
"Not now honey. I need to show this child-gent what it means to roll with the Duke. Bring me your most extreme woman. And a stiff drink. Damn it."
Henry needed a drink too.
A slim blonde, with long legs, full breasts, and red lips approached their table seconds after Duke and Henry sat down. Henry gulped, and tried not to stare.
Henry failed.
The blonde looked at Duke and smiled a smile that would bring any lesser man to his knees. Then she socked him right in the gut. Duke punched her back, right in the face.
The stripped and Duke Nukem stared each other down.
"Let's talk money, Duke."
"It's my money," Duke insisted.
"Don't be so sure," she responded. "Don't get your panties all in a bunch." Nukem glanced at the kid-guy. "He is recently-ripped and has no idea what it means."
She laughed, "I know what it means."
"Yes you do... Sam."
Tony Hawk saw everything as it was going down, he decided it would be best if he took out his skateboard and shredded some rad tricks.
Serious Sam grabbed Hawk around the neck and snapped it as he attempted to grind some unruly pipes. "You know I gave up the ripped lifestyle when I went through the... procedure, Duke. I'm a changed... woman."
"Oh are you now?"
All four turned around at the familiar voice. None had noticed the Doctor appearing behind them, in his spaceship disguised as a police-box; the Tardis. Duke scowled, pulled out his shotgun and fired, he fired again and again and again, until there was little left but blood and bits of broken wood.
"Doctor, looks like you're outta time. Oh yeah!"
Henry had never watched television before, so he doesn't know what the fuck.
He did know, however, that he was incredibly aroused. Sam released Tony Hawk, and ran up to Henry. She grasped him and pulled him to her. She shoved her tongue down his throat. He felt warm, and saw stars, and suddenly he understood.
The warmness was actually Serious Sam as she began melting. Serious Sam was the Terminator. But in that brief moment, where boy-man was with man-turned-woman, Henry knew what it truly meant to be ripped.
What it meant was not to take no shit from no liquid metal assholes. His fist slammed through the Terminator's face, sending gooey metal flying all over the room.
"I have truly taught you well," Duke said. Henry clapped a hand on Nukem's shoulder. "You didn't teach me shit."
The two of them laughed deeply, then Duke whipped out a roll of twenties and really got the party started.
THE END It wasn't the end, for the demons had come for his loot.
Down the paved sidewalk Henry strolled, his hands in the pockets of windbreaker. Whistling. He was an unassuming man, plain, short, somewhat dumpy, but he was in good spirits.
"Today will be a great day!" He exclaimed to no one, bringing several odd stares in his direction that he ignored as he continued walking.
Then, something caught his eye. It was a friendly ghost of a turtle! His imaginary friend, Yampo was happily waving at his, with a taser in hand sparking left and right. One spark landed on Henry's nose. It tickled!
"Oh Yampo, you cad! Where have you been lately, I haven't seen you in ages." But no one responded. Henry was growing older by the minute. He was finally hitting puberty, and his childhood was immediately put to an end!
The sensation was odd, to say the least, as Henry was a man of thirty years and up until this point had looked no older than ten or eleven. His clothing burst at the seams as an amazing growth spurt wracked his body, boyish limbs extending into awkward, gangly angles. Uncomfortable with the size of his shirt, he took it off and he was ripped. It felt good to be a gangster.
By this point a small crowd had gathered around Henry, pointing in shock or horror at the spectacle. The boy--turned-man, standing in the park, clothing shredded, shouting for a Yampo who was not there. Someone had to do something.
Just then, Arnold Schwarzenegger hovered over the crowd and extended a lifeline to Henry. "GET IN THE CHOPPA!" he commanded. Henry sprinted toward the chopper, closely followed by a suddenly Arnold crazed crowd. He feared for his life as they began to gain on him, ripping and clawing at his back; stepping on his heels. He tripped, and was quickly smothered by the mob.
With one last surge of strength Henry pushed through the mass and wrapped his fingers around the lifeline. Arnold slammed on the throttle and with a surge Henry was pulled into the air, dangling precariously over the rapidly receding park.
A retired governor, Arnold knew he had no obligation to public service any longer--he just loved fucking with people, and all the trust they gave him. Acting upon his love for chaos, Arnold cut the lifeline, sending Henry down to a municipal dump. With a low cry, Henry fell into the filth, his body cracking at the impact. The air rushed from him, sending him into darkness.
Hours later, Henry finally opened his eyes and attempted to pull himself to his feet. When he tried to move, however, he found himself unable. Looking around, he realized he was bound to some sort of makeshift garbage altar surrounded by torches. Yampo's revenge has arrived. The ghost of his beloved turtle Yampo appeared before him. He cackled softly, and stood up on his hind legs. From the darkness behind him came a roar.
"Yampo, friend, please forgive me, I had to grow up!" Henry exclaimed.
"Be quiet! The garbage wights... They come for you and I will finally have satisfaction!" Words hauntingly oozed from the turtle's mouth and floated down to Henry's ears and into his brain.
Howls seemed to come from all directions, closer and closer as Yampo cackled.
"The wights! The garbage wights! Born from the cast offs of society! They feed on the fresh and the new, just like you, my post-pubescent friend." Secretly, Yampo was jealous. He, too, wished to be ripped. But alas, he had been born a turtle. All through his life, from his great escape out of the egg, to living in Henry's room, Yampo always wanted to be human.
Yampo receded into the darkness of the trash heap as strange, trashy creatures clawed their way towards the torchlight. Henry struggled to free himself and wondered why these things were happening to him. He was just a boy, a thirty-year old man-boy. Suddenly...
"GET IN THE CHOPPA!!!" Arnold taunted. "I won't be fooled again, you... you... bully!" Henry screamed, tears streaming from his eyes. He turned and began to climb up a garbage tower. But found he was unable to gain any altitude as he was still tied down. He cursed his foolishness as he had cursed Arnold, now but a speck in the moonlit sky.
A black claw curled around the edge of the altar, connected to a black limb, connected to a black body. It was Chris Rock. A large purple dragon dragged the altar along the mountains of decay, for the large metal pentagram was too heavy for it to lift any higher. Chris Rock's lifeless body swayed.
"Hey Chris Rock, you're not funny" Henry said.
Chris was of the undead. His career, discarded. He clung to the altar as it was pulled through the dump, trying desperately to wrap his claws around Henry and sink his teeth into his delicious flesh. Yampo had other plans. The turtle Chuck Norris-Style Round-House kicked Henry across the face, knocking him completely unconscious and out of Chris Rock's rotting, but surprisingly strong grip.
Guns blazing, Duke Nukem appeared from the rubble.
"Eat shit and die, Yampo."
Bullets tore through the turtle's body, sending bits of turtle meat and shards of shells flying in all directions.
Duke spit out his bubble gum. Arnold's lifeline went down to Yampo "GET IN THE CHOPPA!" This turtle would survive to live another day.
Duke snarled at the sight of his bounty getting away, and turned to leave. He noticed Henry's ripped and unconscious body. Duke was ripped.
Duke knew that this poor man-child did not know how to fully utilize his latent and ripped power. With a swing of his knife he cut Henry free and hoisted the boy-man over his shoulder.
"Kid-dude, I will teach you what it truly means to be ripped."
So they hit the local stripclub, no showers or anything. Reeking of sweat and garbage, Duke, and the still limp Henry, strutted into the Local Stripclub. Topless women smiled seductively at Duke. Henry felt urges he never had before. "Hey baby, haven't seen you in here a while." One stripper cooed at Duke. But he had no time for sexy fun, he was on a mission. A mission of manliness.
"Not now honey. I need to show this child-gent what it means to roll with the Duke. Bring me your most extreme woman. And a stiff drink. Damn it."
Henry needed a drink too.
A slim blonde, with long legs, full breasts, and red lips approached their table seconds after Duke and Henry sat down. Henry gulped, and tried not to stare.
Henry failed.
The blonde looked at Duke and smiled a smile that would bring any lesser man to his knees. Then she socked him right in the gut. Duke punched her back, right in the face.
The stripped and Duke Nukem stared each other down.
"Let's talk money, Duke."
"It's my money," Duke insisted.
"Don't be so sure," she responded. "Don't get your panties all in a bunch." Nukem glanced at the kid-guy. "He is recently-ripped and has no idea what it means."
She laughed, "I know what it means."
"Yes you do... Sam."
Tony Hawk saw everything as it was going down, he decided it would be best if he took out his skateboard and shredded some rad tricks.
Serious Sam grabbed Hawk around the neck and snapped it as he attempted to grind some unruly pipes. "You know I gave up the ripped lifestyle when I went through the... procedure, Duke. I'm a changed... woman."
"Oh are you now?"
All four turned around at the familiar voice. None had noticed the Doctor appearing behind them, in his spaceship disguised as a police-box; the Tardis. Duke scowled, pulled out his shotgun and fired, he fired again and again and again, until there was little left but blood and bits of broken wood.
"Doctor, looks like you're outta time. Oh yeah!"
Henry had never watched television before, so he doesn't know what the fuck.
He did know, however, that he was incredibly aroused. Sam released Tony Hawk, and ran up to Henry. She grasped him and pulled him to her. She shoved her tongue down his throat. He felt warm, and saw stars, and suddenly he understood.
The warmness was actually Serious Sam as she began melting. Serious Sam was the Terminator. But in that brief moment, where boy-man was with man-turned-woman, Henry knew what it truly meant to be ripped.
What it meant was not to take no shit from no liquid metal assholes. His fist slammed through the Terminator's face, sending gooey metal flying all over the room.
"I have truly taught you well," Duke said. Henry clapped a hand on Nukem's shoulder. "You didn't teach me shit."
The two of them laughed deeply, then Duke whipped out a roll of twenties and really got the party started.
THE END It wasn't the end, for the demons had come for his loot.
~Page x~
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